People from the former Soviet States are more difficult to befriend than some other people. But, once they trust you, few other people are more loyal or trustworthy. Don’t come off as self-righteous. Admire and talk about the admiral qualities in their people, of their country and in their history. We have plenty of history of our own that we are, and should feel uncomfortable and embarrassed about (our history of slavery, for only one example). We should not want to embarrass other people about their history, or even current situations, just as we don’t want to be embarrassed about our own.
Psychologists recommend sleeping with stuffed animals or blankets that you will leave with the child so that they become used to your smells and relate them with comfort. While we did do that, we took it a step further. Amy always wore her perfume and I always wore my cologne when we went to visit the children. They immediately came to recognize these smells and they bonded to them. Even now, if things are going crazy at home, I can put on my cologne or Amy puts on her perfume and things calm down. The children want to snuggle, or relax, or visit with us. We hear things like “Mama, you smell like Mama Russia!” Or, “you smell like Papa! I like this smell!”
Make a cassette tape of you reading stories or singing songs. Fill one side of the tape completely and then duplicate the other side. Take a portable cassette player with headphones and the tape for the child. Also, take spare batteries for the time that you plan to be away. The orphanage will not have the resources to provide more batteries than what you leave. Explain to the workers what the tape is, and that you would like the child to become familiar with your voice. They will give the child lots of opportunity to listen. Our daughter, Celeste, who was only two, learned how to play her tape to the end, turn it over and play it again. She loved it. And by the time that we got back to bring her home, she had come to associate Amy’s voice with comfort. Then, as she became afraid, or upset, as Amy began to speak, or especially to sing one of the songs from the tape, Celeste would calm down. Mom’s voice wasn’t yet one more new thing to become acquainted with, or even potentially fear. It had been a symbol of comfort for quite some time. It was one thing that was familiar in her all new surroundings.
Have something that the children can look for a picture in, so that they can show you what they want. As the item is found, you can help them to say the word, and even be reciprocal as they teach you the word in Russian. But be ready to be laughed at! Your pronunciation of the Russian word will probably be even worse than their pronunciation of the English one. The children find this quite funny.
We made books for the children that we were adopting, about their new family and about their new home. We put pictures of the main rooms in the house, each family member, and even a page for each of the family pets. Then we did another book about the trip home. We pulled pictures of hotels where we would stay off the internet. We did the same with pictures of planes, and airports and sites we would see. We did a description for each picture in Russian and in English. The Russian caregivers were very excited that they could read the books in Russian for the children and the books were read to them lots of times. For our first adoption we were adopting children who were five and under. We made cloth books by using ink-jet iron-ons for the text and pictures. This way it would be very difficult for the books to be torn, and, if they got dirty, or if something was spilled on them, they could be washed. With our teenaged daughters, on our second adoption, we just printed out color pages with the Russian and English text and pictures. Then we had them laminated and spiral bound which you can have done at most office supply stores. The children were much less confused and apprehensive about the trip home. And when we arrived home, it was as if they had already been there. The books were some of the most helpful tools we used.
It is customary to give gifts to Russians that you work with while in their country. You will hear that you should take things like spatulas, ice scrapers, gloves, perhaps even peanut butter, or peanut butter and chocolate candies (which are either unavailable or at least tough to get in Russia), American music, American cosmetics etc. But be careful. Inexpensive gifts are very appropriate for caregivers in the orphanage, drivers, translators and the like. But, directors of the orphanage or other people with ‘official titles,’ would be offended in receiving such ‘menial’ gifts. For such people plan on a piece of jewelry or something. I would recommend about $100.00. Also, plan on leaving a gift for the orphanage in general. Maybe a few toys etc. If luggage space is a factor (and it always seems to be), orphanages always appreciate disposable diapers. They can be bought in country at local pharmacies. Many times medicines are also found in short supply in the orphanages. I wouldn’t recommend leaving cash for medicines, but let them know how much you are willing to spend, get a list, and then go and buy the medications (or take a worker with you to help make substitutions as needed). If the child that you are adopting is older than three, or so, I also recommend having gifts (stuffed animals are great) for them to leave with one or two of their ‘best friends.’ In reality, after you leave, these will become community property, but, it will help your child in leaving friends, and it will at least in some small way, ease pain for the children who stay, as one of their friends (almost family members) leave.
On the first visit, measure your child for clothes. A great way to do feet is to trace them on a piece of paper. It isn’t a bad idea to do it right in a ‘life book’ if you are doing one for your child, and then record their measurements as well. You’ll be a lot less likely to lose these if you do them in the life book rather than a random piece of paper, and, it’s a fun little piece of history to preserve anyway. But, your child will grow, so keep that in mind. Denney was just over 18 months old when we met him. He was wearing 12 month old clothes at that time, and they were too big for him. We returned two months later (by the time he was able to leave the orphanage it was almost two and a half months) and Denney was in 18-24 month old clothes. When the director saw our surprise, she told us that when the children are preparing to leave with a family that they “fatten them up for the journey.”
Gifts that you leave with your child on the first visit will probably not be able to be found when you return. But remember the cultural differences. These orphans have never owned anything. If your child owns something in the orphanage, it is likely that jealousy from the other children would make things difficult for your child. On the other hand, if your child is the reason that everyone has access to some new, fun thing, then rather than being singled out for negative feelings, they are singled out for positive feelings. In reality, by making these gifts community property, the orphanage has done what is best for your child. The down side being that your child probably won’t get these gifts back. But your child is getting a new family. They won’t need these small gifts as much as the ones who are left behind. The sad part is that there is a certain amount of sentimental value in these gifts for you and your child. Solve this problem by duplicating the gifts as closely as possible when you buy them. Take the one on your first trip and leave it with the child, never intending to get it back. Then take the new one on the second trip to replace it. If you really want the one that was first left at the orphanage, your chances of them being able to find it are much greater if you have an identical, but newer item to trade for it. We even duplicated the soft books. While two out of three of our children’s orphanages brought out the soft books to send home with the children, the other “couldn’t find it.” But all were ecstatic when we told them that there was an extra one for the orphanage that could be used in showing other orphans what their homes might be like when their respective times came.
Obviously, chocolate candy is loved, but messy and often not appreciated by those who have to clean up. Chocolate with peanut butter candy is a novelty that is enjoyed and most people haven’t had it before. Lollipops are fine. But, there is a ‘best’ treat. Russians have pretty bland taste buds, particularly in orphanages. On our first trip we had taken a few Rice Krispy treats. Everyone loved them and they were easy to clean up after. On our second trip we took lots and lots of them. Sarah, our five year old, begged for “Amerikán Biscuits” for months after we got home.
If you ever get motion sickness, take some Dramamine, or other motion sickness medicine with you and keep it where you can get at it. You have flights where it might be an issue, and you could get stuck in the back seat of a car for hours on end. Remember that you need to take the medicine a half hour before you need it for it to be effective. If you start feeling nauseous, it is probably too late. Take Pepto Bismol or other stomach sickness or diarrhea medicine. Also, headache medicine of choice. Remember, you could catch a cold, or the flu, or if have allergies, prepare accordingly. Two out of three adults on one of our trips were awful happy to have the Thera-Flu that one person packed. Keep the medicines in carry-on bags so it’s always with you and you have it even if you end up losing a piece of luggage. But, there are restrictions on liquids that can go in airplane cabins. Liquids have to be in containers that are three ounces or smaller. Medicines in tablet forms are better for this reason.
Talk to a doctor familiar with international adoption. In many cases, they will issue a prescription for antibiotics, or skin conditions, or parasites of certain types (particularly scabies) even if there is no knowledge of your child having those conditions at the present. These conditions are so common in these places that it is possible for there being a need for these medicines before you ever get home. This was one big mistake that we made. Two out of the three children that we adopted in our first experience needed antibiotics before we got them home, and though we had been warned, we didn’t think that we would need it. I mean how often do you need antibiotics? And, can’t you get them there if you do? Yes, you can get them in country. But, you need to take them to the doctor for a prescription. Furthermore, at the time that our children needed the antibiotics, they were just “visiting” with us at the hotel. We did not have custody. We had to go back through the orphanages, through the people who still had legal custody of the children to get them to a doctor for a prescription. Things could have been worse. What if they had something that they needed to take antibiotics for, but would be something that might get them quarantined from international travel? Do yourself a favor. Take any medicine a doctor here will let you take. Once again, aside from prescriptions, remember headache medicine, Ambesol (pain relief for cutting teeth), medicine for upset stomach, etc. The one preparation that I can’t stress too much is Dramamine (or other motion sickness medicine). Your child has most likely never been in a car, and they might need to be in one for hours and hours. Remember that usually, motion sickness medicine takes a half hour to take effect, so, get it to the kids as soon as you can on the visit when they will leave the orphanage, which brings me to the next thing you need to remember.
Your child, if car sick, probably won’t lose quite a gallon out of their stomach, but it will seem like it! (voice of experience talking here…) The gallon sized bags are large though, so they are much easier to ‘hit’ when in use. The ziplock keeps everything sealed until you can dispose of it.
You’ll use these a lot, but they are particularly handy for cleaning up after problems with car sickness. Smelly used ones can be sealed up in ziplocks to avoid unpleasant smells.
Use these to put clothes in if there are toilet accidents or car sick accidents. If you have a child that is toddler or older, the orphanage will probably tell you that they are potty trained, and while this is true, they are potty trained according to a schedule that doesn’t involve hours at a time in a car. Also, many of these children regress in potty training with such traumatic things going on.
Chances are, whether it’s the drive from the orphanage, going to take passport pictures, a trip to the store, or any other excursion, there will be a carsick or potty accident. Have a change of clothes. There is a chance of an adult or two getting sprayed too, so plan accordingly.
Take a bunch of small bottles with you. You’ll use it quite a bit. You’ll feel much more comfortable using this in public restrooms than the sinks.
You might not feel comfortable drying your hands on the community use towel in public restrooms (if available). Carry something with you at all times to dry your hands.
That is, bring your own toilet paper. Nice hotels and restaurants will have toilet paper, but most other places won’t. If you’re lucky, there will be torn up pieces of printer paper for your convenience (tongue in cheek while I wrote the word ‘convenience’) but don’t count on it. I had to use my travel itinerary one time! Lucky I was finished with the page on getting there. I never had to use the page I needed for getting home. Oh, I just remembered, bring your own toilet seat too! I guess that won’t be practical, but, in places other than nice hotels and nice restaurants, in big cities, you most likely won’t see toilet seats either. They just sit on the rim!
Little nicks and scratches can always happen, but, especially if you brought a new pair of shoes, you have a good chance at getting blisters before your trip is over. Blister BandAids are life savers. If you haven’t seen these before, they are in the pharmacy section of your local store, with the other band aids, or with the foot products. They have a special coating that turns to gel as a blister weeps. These things are pure magic!
In Russia, the power source is 220 volts apposed to the 110 volts used in the U.S. Usually, your laptop computer, digital camera battery charger, or camcorder will accept either 110 or 220, but make sure before you try it! If not, you will need a power converter that plugs into the wall. Your regular blow dryer, curling iron, or iron that you use at home won’t work on 220 power, nor will the power converter that you might buy to carry with you handle enough amperage to run these types of devices. The power converters are usually limited to things like battery chargers, or, on the top end, maybe an electric razor. Buy dual voltage hair dryers, curling irons, irons, etc from a travel or luggage store. These devices have a switch that needs to be set to the proper current before usage (whereas your computer, or battery chargers, if compatible with either voltage, most likely don’t have switches and can be plugged in and used without further effort). Whether or not your electrical devices are compatible with the power source, the prongs that you plug in will not be compatible with the receptacle. You will need adaptors that you can buy at a travel or luggage store, or many shops at major airports. I never had enough places to plug in everything I wanted to use, so I finally bought a surge strip in Russia and filled every socket with an adaptor that I brought from the US. (I have several items with Russian style plugs so the Russian surge strip is good for me. Most people should take an American surge strip. Then they only need the one adaptor to plug the power strip into the wall.) I now always take it with me when I travel to Russia.
Be ready to replace a button on a shirt. You’ll also be glad that you packed your lint brush when you grab your suit coat to go to court and you realize that you packed the coat next to a cashmere sweater, and now the suit coat looks like a cat slept in it!
Be aware of how much cash you are legal to travel with and don’t exceed the limit. But, cash is king in Russia. Credit cards are not accepted more often than they are accepted. Many hotels do not take credit cards. I once tried to pay the fee for a ticket change, at the airport, with my American Express card. The lady told me that they didn’t take American Express. I pointed at the American Express sticker on the window. She simply shrugged. I took back my card and handed her my Visa. Then she told me that they didn’t take Visa. I pointed to the Visa and Mastercard stickers on the window and she told me that they didn’t take credit cards. She directed me to an ATM, where I went, only to find that it was out of service. Luckily, there was a bank in the terminal and people allowed me to go to the front of a twenty person line to trade US dollars for Rubles. The bank wouldn’t do a cash draw on my debit card. We barely made our flight to Moscow. If I hadn’t had cash, whether US dollars or Rubles, we would have missed our flight. It’s a good idea to have several hundred dollars worth of Russian Rubles with you when you arrive in Russia. Most international airports in the US (and for sure, the last one that you are in before leaving the country) will have places (usually a kiosk) that exchange money. The rates are usually not as good as you might find in Russia, but, it’s worth it to have a little cash. Your coordinators who work with you in Russia will be very busy and it might be a day or two before they can get you to a bank. US bills need to be of the newest design and only new bills in great condition will be accepted in Russia. I once heard it said that there is more US counterfeit in Russia than in the US. While I find that hard to believe, the Russians are very skeptical of the legitimacy of currency that has the appearance of US dollars. US counterfeit is a problem in Russia, and only the best bills are accepted. Plan ahead. Tell your bank at least weeks in advance, that you are traveling to Russia and need new, crisp bills. They will pull out the best bills and save them for you.
Make sure that you have at least six months of validity left on your passport from the time that you will travel. If you do not have six months of validity, get a new passport. As the time is arriving for your travel, Fed Ex your passport and your visa application to the agency that will be processing your visa. On two of our trips to Russia, we were given such little notice, that the travel agency had to process our visas and Fed Ex them out on the same day that they got our invitation to travel from the Department of Education. We got our passports back with the visa on the same day we flew out! Had the travel agency not already had our passports in their possession, we would have had to reschedule our court hearing and travel plans. Had it been required to reschedule our court hearing, it could have been moved out significantly
Make copies of the photo page of your passport and the page that your travel visa is on. Type the phrase; “I certify that this is a true, complete and accurate copy of the original document.” And then the information for a notary to sign. Then take it to a notary and have both copies signed and notarized. These will be very helpful if you lose your passport. Also, until early 2007, hotels were allowed (and for that matter required) to register guests with local officials. At that time they were required to take the passport from the guest to do the registration and then return it to the guest later. If, while the hotel had the original passport for registration, someone else required identification, these notarized copies would usually suffice. Russia has recently changed how guests register, and I believe that the hotels no longer do it, so this might not be an issue. But, it’s always recommended that you have a copy of each person’s passport and visa which is kept in a separate place from the original.
Russia issues an invitation to travel. This is an official document which is required to get a travel visa. If you are there on adoption, this invitation must be issued by the Department of Education. If you are a tourist, the invitation is something that your travel agency can request and then provide for you. YOU NEED A COPY! My travel agency once sent me, telling me that I didn’t need a copy, that the records in Russia were sufficient. I ended up needing to have the travel agency fax a copy to the hotel. Had I been checked at the airport for this invitation (which is usually the case) I could have been refused entry.
Make sure that they are organized so that you can easily find them. You will need them. Make sure before you leave that everything is current. For instance, medical physicals and fingerprint reports are good for a limited amount of time. Chances are, you have been waiting a long time for your chance to travel and you know that you have completed all of the requirements. But, double check. You may have completed some things that have expired, or that might expire while you are ‘in country’ but before you are out of the country. You don’t want to find out that a required document is no longer valid while you are trying to finalize the adoption. Make sure that everything is current before you leave.
If you are adopting a child who is old enough to talk, even a little, it will make a big difference if you can at least say and understand a few words. My greatest regret in our first Russian adoption was that I hadn’t learned enough Russian words (I had only learned four or five). Dictionaries and lists of words as might be provided from your adoption agency are fine, and even necessary, but you will never regret having spent time learning as much about the language as you can. But, with children, baby talk is used extensively. Much the way that English speaking children add a ‘y’ or and ‘ie’ to the end of a word, or modified word, (doggie, kitty, mommy), Russian children will add a ‘ka’ ‘sha’ or ‘ska’ to the end of a word, or modified word (Dragon = Darkon = Drakoshka. Horse = Loshit = Lashotka. Dog = Sabaka = Sabachka). You won’t find the baby talk word in the dictionary and the child won’t use (or perhaps even know) the real word.
While in Russia, a lot of time will be spent running as fast as you can, trying to finish up documentation and other bureaucracy. But, much more time will be spent doing absolutely nothing. In fact, my first novel started on our first trip to Russia, in our hotel room after I had already read everything that I had taken with me. If you plan well, you can use this otherwise wasted time doing things that you will always treasure, and might not have as much time to do later. This is a great time to work on a life book, or other scrap books. We took a portable printer and photo paper with us on later trips and spent lots of time working on scrap books and life books (don’t forget extra printer ink cartridges!). The kids loved it! With the teen aged girls we later adopted, we took them each their own cheap digital camera with extended memory cards. They had lots and lots of fun taking their own pictures, and while of a lower quality, they have pictures of things that were really important to them. The nice thing about the digital cameras was that when we got back to the hotel, we could down load them on to the laptop and they could start over. Later, bad pictures, or ones they didn’t really want (most of the pictures that they actually shot) could be thrown away and we didn’t have to spend a lot of money on developing or printing such pictures. Nor did we have to ‘hound’ them about wasting pictures on things that they wouldn’t want later. They were able to just have fun. We took lots of craft things on our second trips so that the children would have things to do. Beads for necklaces and bracelets were a big hit. Sticker books were loved by the little kids. Bubbles and bubble blowing devices were also loved. Get the kids out! Find museums, zoos, amusement parks, aquariums etc. Show your children that Russia is so much more than the inside of their orphanage! Don’t pay attention to ugly stuff! Look for the good, there is plenty of it! Look for a place to shoot a beautiful landscape picture, (there are plenty of opportunities) rather that shooting pictures of every unpleasant site you can find. We were able to take our children through Moscow on our return trip (which usually doesn’t happen when adopting from Far East Russia) and it was fun. The teenaged girls really enjoyed it. Our fifteen year-old was overwhelmed though. She told us that she never thought that all of the pictures of Moscow were real, that it was just ‘propaganda.’ She loved learning about what a great nation Russia is and that it is so much more than an abusive home, an orphanage and a small village. If you can spend a couple of days in Moscow, I give it my strongest recommendation.
We wanted to our children to have 5x7 pictures of their new family to look at during the time between trips. And on the first trip we made sure that we took pictures of each of the children individually, in poses that could be photoshopped in to the family portrait. That way when we got back to Russia on the second visit, they had a picture of them in their new family. It really added an air of permanency for the children, and the orphanage workers loved it. We left lots of copies of the photoshopped family portrait for people in Russia.
We have lots of video from our trips to Russia, but the video isn’t enjoyed nearly as much as photos in photo albums are. We have a nice set of photo albums that we keep around for guests, and also a set which are available to the children, which are pretty worn. Favorite pictures are replaced from time to time. Again, shoot some video, but photos in an album with explanations written off to the side are really enjoyed.
Don’t buy too soon. We bought clothes for a little boy right after accepting a referral. But that particular referral was withdrawn and we ended up having to reselect (‘reselect’ sounds so ambivalent. Let me assure you, there’s a lot of heartache in a situation like that). We ended up with a little boy of a different size and had to repurchase clothes. We have also heard of some families having to wait over a year for their second visit due to problems in the system. Wait as long as you can to buy clothes so that you have the best chance at getting it right. Also, though it is very hard, buy just enough clothes to get by with until you get home with the child. Then go out and buy the perfect sizes. Make sure that you have weather appropriate clothes. Russians bundle up! When we would wear a light jacket, they still wear coats. The orphanage will expect your child to be dressed very warmly even if it is just a little bit cool.
Makes it lots easier to drag your luggage, fish in your pockets or fumble through documents.
We didn’t realize how much tea our kids drank in the orphanages. Poor little Sarah, five and a half years old, went ‘cold turkey’ until we finally figured out why she had a constant horrible headache and vomited from time to time. Once we figured it out, we gave her a little bit of Coke or Pepsi with every meal for a couple of weeks and weaned her off of the caffeine.
Your hotel will have a business card with its name, phone number, address, fax number etc. You should always carry one with you when you leave the hotel. This makes it easy to get back. Even if a cab driver doesn’t speak English, you just hand him the card, he’ll take care of the rest. I once heard a brilliant idea regarding these cards. One adopting family safety pinned the card to their child’s shirt every morning. That way, if the child wandered off, people would know where to bring him.
True, your adoption agency might well send a coordinator to pick you up at the airport and take you to the hotel. But, things can happen. Car accidents, flat tires, and miscommunication could happen and leave you with no one to meet you at the airport. If your flight arrives and you wait for an hour for your coordinator, you will want to find another way to the hotel.
Before you leave and when you are out of the country, you will have flashes of something that you forgot, need to remember, or would like to do. Always stop immediately and write these things down so that you don’t forget them later. You don’t want the panic of remembering that there was something else that you were supposed to do, but you can’t remember what it was. Particularly if when you do finally remember, you are already out of the United States, and what you were supposed to do can’t be done outside of the United States!
That’s easier said than done. Russia is not as fast moving as we Americans are. It seems like they are more bureaucratic, but, on the other hand, think about the last time that you dealt with a government agency in the US. How long did it take to get your vehicle re-licensed, or to get a new driver’s license? Governments, in general, haven’t quite come up to ‘fast food’ quick service standards. That’s just the way it is. In the novel, The Marvelous Journey Home, an analogy is drawn which explains the differences. It mentions that Americans hope for the best and then plan on it (come on, you know you do it. We all do it). Russians, on the other hand, plan for the worst and hope that it never happens. You can see how foolish our way would seem to people who are more realistic than we tend to be. When you decided to adopt from Russia, you were agreeing to do it their way. It will help you a lot if you can work as much of this process as possible the Russian way. Let fate lend a hand. The Russians believe that things will ultimately work out the way that they are supposed to. You should want that too. Abraham Lincoln was once asked if he was sure that God was on his side (regarding the Civil War). Lincoln responded that whether or not God was on his side, he knew that God was on the right side and that he also tried to always be on the right side. The best counsel that I could give you is to want the ‘right thing’ more than you want to get your way.